Signs of a Struggle: Crime Scene Cleaner Review
All images are from Crime Scene Cleaner by President Studio, all images are by me
Crime Scene Cleaner is exactly what it sounds like.
Crime Scene Cleaner is a game where you mop blood for fifteen hours.
I understand going into this review that the PowerWash Simulator comparisons are inevitable–but I’m not going to lean too hard into that sudsy Venn diagram. I will say if you’re looking for an appetizer before the sequel to that game drops later this year, you could do a lot worse than this. The formula might be the same, but it never feels like a blatant or cynical cash grab.
Got it? Good. Make sure your SDSs are up to date and let’s get started.
In Crime Scene Cleaner, you play as a widowed janitor who gets pulled into the dark world of organized crime. Your daughter has been infected with the plot, and your humble salary isn’t covering the cost of her treatments. You won’t be disinfecting any elementary school bathrooms while working for the mob, but the environments are just as horrific.
Who’s bitter? I’m not bitter.
Cleaning a crime scene typically involves five steps (not necessarily in this order):
Move the corpses to your truck.
Gather any evidence that’s been left at the scene (murder weapons, phones with incriminating text messages, etc.).
Use a combination of detergents, mops, sponges, and a power washer to eliminate all traces of blood.
Bag up and dispose of all garbage including any splintered furniture that got shattered during the shootout.
Place the remaining furniture back in its original position. Thankfully, each has its own designated spot. This isn’t Crime Scene Interior Decorator: Guesswork Edition.
The gore is removed in layers instead of in perfect strips if that makes sense (you’ll still get the dopamine hit of when a space comes together–it just won’t be as strong as seeing sparkling white tile peek through the darkest shade of crimson). However, the game does accurately depict the tipping point where you’re no longer cleaning, just smearing filth in muddy circles. As your instruments are saturated with DNA, you’ll need fresh water to rinse them. This adds an extra strategic element in placing your buckets. I take no pride in admitting that I unlocked the achievement for kicking them over a certain number of times by the end of the third level.
There are multiple skill trees, and I’m happy to report, you’ll want to purchase everything.
A quick bit of advice. If you’re playing with a controller, change your crouch to a toggle in the options so you don’t catch Carpal tunnel while chasing a shell casing as it rolls beneath a couch or oven.
The story, as simple as it is, doesn’t know what it wants to be. The narrative goes to some truly nasty places (one mission in particular involves suicide and human trafficking). You’d never guess listening to our protagonist’s banter–nothing gets him down. He’s the guy at the party who drops pop culture references nonstop even when they don’t fit (his speech patterns are very Atomic Heart). It’s so pervasive that when we hit the 50% mark in the story and he starts tossing out phrases like “maybe I’m the monster” I just don’t believe him. Either of these tones would have been fine but the marriage of them here is especially jarring. I guess Crime Scene Cleaner is technically a dark comedy–just not a very funny one.
I’m dedicating a chunk of my word count to this because, in a game where I accept that it truly does not matter, it still manages to feel like a missed opportunity. The actual in-level environmental storytelling is thrilling. I felt a visceral spike of excitement each time I was confronted with a locked door and I had to prepare myself for whatever mayhem was waiting to be discovered on the other side. Many of the areas are more complex than they appear on the surface. During a mission set in a “normal” house midway through the campaign, I was taking laps through all the living areas, searching for the last cushion for the last piece of furniture, and I kept discovering things I missed during my initial clean. This is a good practice for being a janitor in the real world, as well–before you move on to your next task, take one last look.
Graphically, this is a standard Unity project. It’s been assembled with Unity walls lined with Unity shelves packed with Unity assets. Anyone who plays a lot of games knows exactly what I mean by this. For the record, I don’t have any issue with games that rely heavily on assets–but I also expect the time saved by going this route to be spent arranging them in interesting ways, which Crime Scene Cleaner absolutely does. Performance is good enough on a Series X (the game is currently available for “free” to Game Pass subscribers) but the frame rate takes a beating as the areas get larger and more cluttered with the dead and debris (the last level is especially guilty of this). The physics are also, frankly, insane. I held my breath for every body I flopped into the bed of my truck as it ragdolled into position–waiting to see if it’d clip through the asphalt or bounce into the sky–but it never happened. I also never had to make use of the “get unstuck” option from the pause menu but the inclusion of this fail-safe is always appreciated and more devs should consider incorporating it in their projects.
Regardless of these shortcomings, I still had a great time with it. The surprisingly meaty campaign consists of 10 levels and each will run between 45 minutes and a full two hours if you’re working towards a perfect rating. Currently, Crime Scene Cleaner holds the title for the most relaxing thing I’ve ever played–that also includes a serial killer subplot.
Just remember to regularly change your gloves.
72/100
On second thought, it has a German Shepherd.
100/100
